Wednesday, October 17, 2007

gate-away2 na!!!



fin.wakas.the end.finish

To Ben: For sure hindi mo sinasadya, pero sobrang daming beses nang t’wing may mararamdaman akong something personal, nagtetext ka ng mga walang kamatayan mong messages na sobrang swak na swak sa current status ng puso ko.

Last night, Ben sent me a text message and it goes this way:

NOTHING to do is the hardest thing to do; you do not know when it’ll end.

For the last four months, I practically had nothing to do. Since I quitted my review at ReSA, I told my self I still gonna do self-review. And until now I am still telling myself to do self-review. Yes, for the last four months I literally practically had nothing to do. I know later on I will regret those days I spent sleeping and lying and just watching TV.

(Natutulog ako at nakahiga at nanonood ng TV. So may ginagawa naman ako. ‘Yon nga lang hindi kapakipakinabang.)

When does this nothing to do end?

If I could put the blame on something for this me being so idle, it would be on the TV. They say drugs, alcohol and cigarettes are hard to quit. Why is TV not on the list? I’ve been wanting to quit spending much of my waking hours on watching TV. I just can’t. I can’t quit f.r.i.e.n.d.s in as much as can’t quit my friends. I can’t quit mcdreamy and mcsteamy and mchottie and mcyummy and mcAR-JAY. I can’t quit the Cohens because just like Kid Chino, they’ve become his family. I can’t quit Tyra and Ellen (what????). I can’t quit the delicious cooking of Ysay and I can’t quit dancing my darling.

So I guess it isn’t really “nothing to do” that I can’t quit, ayt? It’s being idle.

There are lot things of which I cannot quit or start doing. Just like this post. I couldn’t start to restart my typing. I am doing this on my notebook while watching Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition Season 2! See! Watching TV screw things up for me! (tina-type ko tong paragraph na ‘to habang commercial gap). Toni is so funny. I wasn’t able to watch Mariel during Uber but I bet it’s as hilarious as this on Toni. Hahahahahahaha. ARGGggg! I hate watching TV. Wait. Let me watch Toni first.







I hate you Kuya! It was just a joke. Jinojoke lang nila si Toni. HMPff. Nakakainis.

On with the topic. What was it again? Ahhh. On quitting something you just can’t quit.

My friend, Sheyn and I had a very short tête-à-tête the other day. We were just talking about my problem about me giving up on something. Yeah, I am giving up a battle. How unusual is that on me?

It has something to do with most of my posts lately. I wonder how I would feel, maybe a year from now when I get to realize that almost all of my earliest posts in this blog is about… you know what or who. (You don’t know? Read my earliest posts)

I just came from a not so long kind of isolation. By the way, Sheyn said that we’re in the stage of intimacy vs. isolation. It means I should be starting to make relationship with the opposite sex or else I’d be isolated. Oh my god. I am being isolated. I thought I just needed space, just a time off and I didn’t think I am actually being isolated, as in isolated. I don’t want to be alone. Anyways, I decided to isolate myself for a short time, just for a short time because I wanted to forget something, to quit something, to end something. I wanted to surrender.

However, doing something I wanna do but not being able to do it has become my habit already, I guess.

“The line has been drawn… I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”
“This freedom I have… I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”
“I’m down here on the floor, where I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”
“I’m fighting back emotions that I never fought before, ‘cause I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”

And all I wanna do is surrender… cause I’m not suppose to love you anymore.

I wanna surrender… but I couldn’t… I still love you… I love you…

I wanna quit watching TV… but I couldn’t…

I wanna start doing something good, like self-reviewing… but I couldn’t…

Loser me… fuck!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

SemBreak na?!

Last Sunday, after the 8am Mass of which I regularly attend to here in the province, my parents and I had a merienda at one of my friends’ canteen. Sarah wasn’t there yet. She hasn’t arrived yet from Manila for the semester break. Her mom was there and she commented, “malapit ng dumating ‘yung mga gastadora.” I couldn’t blame her because every semester break, what we almost always do for the rest of it was just to gallivant around San Mateo, our home town.

I graduated last March already, so technically I’m not supposed to have semester breaks already. However, since I’ve been locked up (that was exaggerating, of course) for the last four months, I think I deserve a semester break. After all I’m still unemployed and not expected to be employed soon for I still have a review to take by the end of November until May, my CPA Board Exam. So as they say in Accounting, Substance over Form. I may have already graduated but in essence I’m still a student eligible for a Semester Break.

I wonder what’s in-store for me and my friends this semester break.

I usually come home the latest among my friends who just like me are studying from Manila and others from Baguio. It is because I still have hours of duty to render at the Student Affairs Office of CEU. It’s been like that since 1st year. Unlike my nursing friends whose semester breaks were spoiled only on their 4th year and 3rd year I guess, when they’re already having hospital duties or whatever nursing stuff they do. Well at least we still get to spend part of our semester break at home. Cindy, one of friends (a little clearing of the throat there, friends! Ahahaha) mostly don’t spend her semester break here. For some reasons, she just couldn’t. Too sad, she misses a lot. And when she comes, it’ll be for just a couple of days. Actually, I could hardly recall times when we’re together during semester breaks. Not that I don’t cherish those times we (we means the whole group) had together, it’s just I don’t recall if those were during semester breaks or summer breaks or Christmas breaks. I don’t think she ever spent Christmas here. Oh well I hope she gets to come home this “semester break.” Although unlike me, she’s not eligible for a semester break already because she graduate also last March and is a registered nurse already. I don’t know what her plans are - if she’s looking for a job or whatever. Wait a minute! Why has this become all about Cindy? Hmmmmm. I’m sorry. I guess I miss her. Spare me the smirking and raising of the eyebrow. I miss her during semester breaks and that’s just it. No more questions. Back to the topic.

Every semester break I get this comment na sana may reunion ang batch, of course from my former classmates, the gorettians03. Actually, I get that comment every Semester, Christmas and Summer breaks. Maybe it’s because I was president of the class. Nonetheless, it was always hard for me to say yes. Not that I don’t want to or I don’t want to organize. It’s just that I don’t know how. I have helps but I think I wouldn’t be able to meet their expectations from a reunion. We’ve had some small get-togethers, I think twice and it was fine. But if I were to ask, I would just want to have it with close friends as we always do. Medyo selfish ba? Hehehehe. Anyways, this semester break, we plan to spend an overnight at Punta Amelita Resort. We went their last Easter Sunday and we had a great time. Some weren’t able to come then. I hope this time they will be able to. I wish tropang kiratz is 100% complete this time – at least for us still here in the Philippines. Cessy, Ren2 and Janice are already abroad.

Last October 10, Hazel resigned from work. I guess she wants to have a semester break as well. She didn’t enrol this 1st semester because she has no more subjects to enrol. To bad she has to wait for this coming 2nd semester to finish her remaining subjects. This morning, Ben arrived from Baguio where he studies. Queency and Sarah are bound to arrive if not on Wednesday, on Thursday and Louie on the 29th. For Shayne and Cindy I don’t know but they said they will. Rissa often comes home during all saints day and all souls day. Our schedules are quite contrasting. I don’t know if we’ll be able to set a date where all of us are free to have our “gate-away.”

FYI: gate-away, a term we use for our get-aways. I little tongue twist I committed. Ben then started to use it whenever we plan a gate-away. AMPfff. Eheheheheh.

By this week, we’re almost complete. But not quite because this week I am also bound to go to Manila. Hehehehe. So our gate-away has to be scheduled next next week.

I’d go to Manila primarily to do some stuff for my parents and sister. I am excited because I’d also get to do our end-of-semester habit – my friends in Manila and I, our end-of-semester habit. So I guess this semester break is bound to be a real semester break after all.

Every end of the semester, including summer classes, my friends and I would have a get-together, just a simple one. We’d go to a house, wherever whose house is available and just be together (not the cheesy just be together thing), talk about whatever, bully each other, laugh aloud, relax, in-short, college inuman.

It may sound a little junky that almost all of our bonding were formed or done during inuman sessions. But I wouldn’t trade those times we had for anything else. We’ve known each other so much and we’ve learned a lot from each other during those times. Say for example I learned that… hmmmmm… hmmmmm… hmmmmm… basta I learned a lot.

Actually whenever we would hold one, we still talk about our past inumans and laugh just like we’ve never laughed about it yet. Those stories have become classics and now that we’re apart from each other already, doing our own thing, they are all we have. This semester break, this week, when I go there to meet them, hopefully I could meet them all again, I wish we could share those stories we made again or make some more. I’m really excited.

Also, hopefully my co-BSA07, who are taking the board exams pass the board so that I may have another reason to party. There are five of them so that would be 5 reasons to party. Heheheheheh. I really wish them well. Kim and I are the only ones in our original barkada who are supposed to take the board this October, but for some reasons, we’re not. We’ll take our board on May.

There are a lot of things I wish to do this semester break – with my friends here and in Manila, with my family and with myself. Things around me have been changing a lot lately. My life has gone through a lot of changes even though I was stuck here for four months. I’ve had many realizations and this semester break could mean the conclusion or commencement of a lot of things in my life. I want this semester break to be extra-ordinary. Substance over Form – it may be just like my other semester breaks but something more will be in it. I don’t know what that’ll be but I’m sure, there will be something in it.

Happy Semester Break everyone!!! Cheers!!!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

imissyou

It’s been so long…
I couldn’t bear any longer…
These miss you nights are the longest…

Everyday I seek to know how to let you go…
Every night I go to sleep with nothing and missing you…

Everyday I try to get you out of my head…
Every night I pray that you’ll visit me in my dreams…

Everyday I keep my path away from you…
Every night I find myself coming back to you…

Everyday I wake up thinking of you…
Every night I go to sleep thinking of you…
And no matter how I try not to,
I think of you all day long and all night long…

It pains me having you near me…
It kills me without you around…
No matter where I go or what I do…
I’m most vulnerable when it’s you…

How do you stop this?
I miss you and I miss loving you…

Sunday, October 7, 2007

b'yaheng CPA







Ilang libong libro na ba ang nabasa natin… mga linyang nakapag-inspire… mga kwentong nagkapag-pamove… mga advise na nakapagpa-isip… mga kung ano-ano na nagsasabi, directly o indirectly ng totoong purpose natin sa buhay… isama mo na ‘tong binabasa mo ngayon… hai… pero pupusta ako, hindi mo pa rin alam kung ano… ako rin eh… ewan... isang malaking EWAN ang lahat… kung p’wede lang sanang ang gawin na lang sa mundo ay ang maging mabuti sa kapwa… hmmmm… pa’no nga kaya kung ganoon na lang… ‘yung wala nang konsepto ng pera… ‘yung tulong-tulong ang lahat ng tao sa pagbubungkal ng lupa para sa araw-araw na kakanin ng lahat… magiging masaya kaya ang mundo… ‘pag nagkataon, wala nang budget na kailangang pag-isipan… expenses na kailangang i-minimize… income na kailangang pagkasyahin… at higit sa lahat, wala nang income statement at putang-ina, wala nang accounting… e ‘di sana walang kinakabahan sa parating na lintik na board exam na ‘yan at ang prinoproblema lang ng mga tigang na ‘yan ay kung papaano gagawing mas exciting ang sex nila mamayang gabi at pagkagising kinaumagahan… Haist… Simple hindi ba? ang purpose lang ng lahat ng tao sa mundo ay ang maging mabuti sa kapwa at magparami…

Apat na taon nating binuno ang hirap ng Curriculum ng BS Accountancy, mula basic accounting, na tumodo naman sa pagka-basic dahil halos walang meeting every schedule (the Mendoza days, p’wera kay Sir Aliling)… hanggang sa Advance Accounting na tumudo naman sa pagka-advance at ultimo isang segundo na lang ay may uumpisahan pang bagong problem… at s’yempre ang anghang na dulot ng Law, Taxation, MS… at pati na ng ibang majors, maparegular class o lecheng professorial chair… mula sa typing ni Dr. Dellosa hanggang sa Computer Class ni Sir Dicki… ang mga walang katulad na English teachers nating sina, Patangan at Go… and how could I forget, four years of overflowing angst against minor subjects… mula sa pinagpipitaganang uno ni Atty. Punzalan hanggang sa kumakalawit na 2.25 ni Galapon kay (drum rolls) Miss… ahmmm ano na pangalan ni psychology, ‘yung pinagpalit sa bestfriend?... mula sa joke time na Soc Arts ni Pamintuan at Humanities ni Badong hanggang sa heavy drama ng FS ni Borlongan at Strat Man ni Tichepco… Apat na taon… hinding-hindi matatawaran na apat na taong hirap at saya… lahat nalamapasan natin… maaaring sa buong b’yahe, may natinik, nadulas, nadapa, napasubsob, nasugatan, hanggang sa may nagtangka na lang magpaiwan, dili kaya’y tumakbo ng ibang direksyon at tumakas na lang… pero sa bandang huli, napagtagumpayan natin ang lahat… at maligaya tayo sa lahat ng ‘yon… dahil ang bawat balde ng luhang binuhos natin at libo-libong oras ng pagtulog na pinalampas natin ay ngayo’y isa nang letter-sized piece of a special paper with our name on it saying we finished BS Accountancy… isang papel na ni-wala man lang tayong pirma roon, at least may pangalan natin, in short Diploma…

Pero hanggang saan?! Hanggang Saan tayo susubukin ng lintik na accounting na ‘yan… kulang pa ba? kulang pa ba ang lahat o sapat na para sumuko ako… (hahahaha… ‘yun ‘yon…)

TANGA!!! S’yempre hindi… walang susuko… putang-inang board ‘yan… this is it guyz… our ultimate challenge… ngayon pa ba tayo susuko?! Walang susuko… kaya natin ‘to… Mapagtatagumpayan natin ‘to…

Sa inyong unang sasabak, wala akong ibang hangad kundi ang inyong tagumpay… at sa mga kasama kong naghihintay (naghihintay para sa resbak! Hahah), una una lang naman ‘yan e… sa finals tayo tayo rin ang magkikita-kita… at pagdating ng araw na ‘yon… sabay sabay nating lalasapin ang matamis na lasa ng Baily’s… kahit sampung gallon pa! at sabay sa bawat nating kampay ay ang kasiyahang binigay sa’tin ng buhay… ang accountancy, dito tayo dinala, ito ang kailangan nating pagsikapan… ito ang purpose natin ngayon… at kung ano’t ano man ang ultimate purpose natin sa buhay, kahit pa hindi ito ang tunay na nakalaan sa hinaharap natin… naniniwala ako na magiging maganda ang bukas, para sa ating lahat at parte ito ng pagkamit natin ng magandang bukas na ‘yon… Kahit maging engineer pa ako after 5 years hindi ko pagsisihang gumugol ako ng lakas para maging CPA… dahil ikaw ‘yon, kayo ‘yon, BSA batch 07… at ‘pag gumagawa na ako ng building, pagtanaw ko pabalik, masaya ako… sigurado ‘yon… dahil nandun kayo… (oo, sa building na gagawin ko, nandun ‘yung office n’yo… hahaha)

C’mon! beat that! Pahiran ang sipon… tumutulo, tumutulo… gud luck guyz… wish you all the best, after all were the omnipotents, to be the best how we’ll be… keep in touch…

Cheers! (Hahaha…)

space


SPACE. One thing we often hear at times of confusion, dilemma… when burning out has engulfed our whole being… when you wish to escape from something…

I need space..

Give me space.

Asking for space is hard enough. But often than not, what’s really harder is filling that space up with something to bridge you back to the real world… and much harder is to escape from that space that has already jailed you…

Until such time you realize that the space you asked for, has become isolation.

Worse is you never really had that escape you wanted. You were isolated together with it… with whatever that is you’re hiding from…


You were always here… here in my heart… and you will always be…

You took me out here… take me back… back to where I love you…

Never mind the pain… let me feel the pain as I love you…

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

retokado sa litrato



anong masasabi n'yo?! ganyan talaga ang walang magawa... hahaha...

haist! dapat sa main page ko 'yan ilalagay e... hindi ko lang mapost ng maayos... nadidistort kasi...

nweiz... there's always a paraan naman e... hahahah... never surrender...