fin.wakas.the end.finish

To Ben: For sure hindi mo sinasadya, pero sobrang daming beses nang t’wing may mararamdaman akong something personal, nagtetext ka ng mga walang kamatayan mong messages na sobrang swak na swak sa current status ng puso ko.

Last night, Ben sent me a text message and it goes this way:

NOTHING to do is the hardest thing to do; you do not know when it’ll end.

For the last four months, I practically had nothing to do. Since I quitted my review at ReSA, I told my self I still gonna do self-review. And until now I am still telling myself to do self-review. Yes, for the last four months I literally practically had nothing to do. I know later on I will regret those days I spent sleeping and lying and just watching TV.

(Natutulog ako at nakahiga at nanonood ng TV. So may ginagawa naman ako. ‘Yon nga lang hindi kapakipakinabang.)

When does this nothing to do end?

If I could put the blame on something for this me being so idle, it would be on the TV. They say drugs, alcohol and cigarettes are hard to quit. Why is TV not on the list? I’ve been wanting to quit spending much of my waking hours on watching TV. I just can’t. I can’t quit f.r.i.e.n.d.s in as much as can’t quit my friends. I can’t quit mcdreamy and mcsteamy and mchottie and mcyummy and mcAR-JAY. I can’t quit the Cohens because just like Kid Chino, they’ve become his family. I can’t quit Tyra and Ellen (what????). I can’t quit the delicious cooking of Ysay and I can’t quit dancing my darling.

So I guess it isn’t really “nothing to do” that I can’t quit, ayt? It’s being idle.

There are lot things of which I cannot quit or start doing. Just like this post. I couldn’t start to restart my typing. I am doing this on my notebook while watching Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition Season 2! See! Watching TV screw things up for me! (tina-type ko tong paragraph na ‘to habang commercial gap). Toni is so funny. I wasn’t able to watch Mariel during Uber but I bet it’s as hilarious as this on Toni. Hahahahahahaha. ARGGggg! I hate watching TV. Wait. Let me watch Toni first.

…

…

…

I hate you Kuya! It was just a joke. Jinojoke lang nila si Toni. HMPff. Nakakainis.

On with the topic. What was it again? Ahhh. On quitting something you just can’t quit.

My friend, Sheyn and I had a very short tête-à-tête the other day. We were just talking about my problem about me giving up on something. Yeah, I am giving up a battle. How unusual is that on me?

It has something to do with most of my posts lately. I wonder how I would feel, maybe a year from now when I get to realize that almost all of my earliest posts in this blog is about… you know what or who. (You don’t know? Read my earliest posts)

I just came from a not so long kind of isolation. By the way, Sheyn said that we’re in the stage of intimacy vs. isolation. It means I should be starting to make relationship with the opposite sex or else I’d be isolated. Oh my god. I am being isolated. I thought I just needed space, just a time off and I didn’t think I am actually being isolated, as in isolated. I don’t want to be alone. Anyways, I decided to isolate myself for a short time, just for a short time because I wanted to forget something, to quit something, to end something. I wanted to surrender.

However, doing something I wanna do but not being able to do it has become my habit already, I guess.

“The line has been drawn… I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”
“This freedom I have… I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”
“I’m down here on the floor, where I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”
“I’m fighting back emotions that I never fought before, ‘cause I’m not suppose to love you anymore…”

And all I wanna do is surrender… cause I’m not suppose to love you anymore.

I wanna surrender… but I couldn’t… I still love you… I love you…

I wanna quit watching TV… but I couldn’t…

I wanna start doing something good, like self-reviewing… but I couldn’t…

Loser me… fuck!